A Christmas Wish List for my Mom and Dad

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Dear Mom and Dad,

I know it’s a little late to be telling you all of this, but I’ve been soooo busy with school that I just couldn’t find the time to return your seven phone calls, most of which I received while I was binge watching Christmas movies on ABC Family and Grey’s Anatomy on the Netflix account that you pay for. I finally listened to all of your voicemails, and I noticed you’ve been asking me what I want for Christmas this year. So, I decided to make you a list. I hope it’s not too late!

Don’t change the password on that Netflix account after I graduate

Please. I’m begging.


Which will definitely not be used to pay the cover fee at Harper’s, buy my booze at Rick’s and then Uber me back to my apartment after I pick up a wrap at Conrad’s.

Your pop can returnables

Make sure you have enough there for me to purchase my textbooks next semester. Extra xmas points if you take them back for me and just give me the little receipts.

A 2018 planner

This is literally only on the list to make you think that I have my shit together.

A body pillow

And don’t ask me why I’m still single, either. I think we all know the answer to that.

A gift card to Whole Foods

Meijer would work too, but Whole Foods has, like, 61 different types of cheese, so what is the better deal here?

Maybe, like, the first three payments on my student loans

This seems self-explanatory.

I’ll see you and all my wonderful gifts on Christmas Eve when I stop by for the mandatory holiday visit, then peace out a few days later!


Your favorite child


Danielle Schwartz is a senior studying English and professional writing. When she’s not writing or taking pictures of her dog, you can usually find her eating a veggie burger or drinking Irish Breakfast tea. Check out her dog pics on Instagram at @danielleeilleen.


Tags: gifts, holidays, kid, letter, parents, presents, sarcasm, wish list