Anti-New Year’s Resolutions

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We realize that being the best version of yourself might take more than a one-digit change in the calendar year. Setting ambitious goals to achieve this New Year’s (like becoming a millionaire by 2019 or losing 20 pounds in 10 hours) will honestly most likely lead to disappointment. We’ve come up with some anti-New Year’s resolutions that will allow you to achieve something but, like, still not that much.


Procrastinate your school work by doing semi-productive tasks instead of playing Candy Crush or scrolling through Twitter for an hour. You know that chair you have in your room? The one you can’t actually see because it’s covered in a month’s worth of laundry? Yeah, you can do that right now even though you have a paper you haven’t started yet due in eight hours. If you do the laundry, at least you’ll have some facet of your life together.


When you make the bad decision of going to the bar instead of going to bed the night before an 8 a.m., make a better decision and only bring $20 cash so you can’t spend any more than that. We know buying a round for everyone and then another round for everyone 30 minutes before the bar closes is great and all, but is seeing that $100 withdrawal from Rick’s American Cafe on your card statement really that great?


Cancel your Planet Fitness membership instead of spending $10 a month to go once every six months. Yeah it might be embarrassing when the worker cancelling your plan informs you that your last visit was 208 days ago, but your slight loss of dignity is better than being another $60-plus-cancellation-fee poorer.


If you’re worried about eating unhealthy, limit yourself to only eating out at healthy restaurants for sushi or salads. Yeah, the bill for your green juice might be more than your last electric bill, but health is wealth.


If you’re worried about spending money, limit yourself to only eating out at cheap, fast-food restaurants like Taco Bell or the McDonald’s drive-thru. Honestly, if you’re trying to eat healthy, are too lazy to cook meals at home and are trying to save money, you are just kidding yourself. You can either enjoy your Wendy’s 4 for $4 deal or buy the green juice we just talked about. Pick your poison.


Only bail on half of the plans you make. Mondays are ambitious. You accept all weekend plans and invitations and when the time comes you send a half-assed “sorry, something came up, can’t make it!” text 20 minutes before a night out so you can stay in and binge watch Riverdale on Netflix. But we challenge you to bail only on either your Friday or Saturday night plans—but not both.


We know you have the potential to make and achieve ambitious and incredible New Year’s resolutions for 2018. But we also know that isn’t likely. So this New Year’s, set the bar low so you won’t be disappointed.


Leah Boelkins is a senior studying professional writing with a track in editing and publishing. She spends her free time making Spotify playlists, trying to be a good cook, and ordering takeout sushi when the cooking thing falls through. Keep up with her on Instagram and Twitter @leahboelkins.


Tags: anti-resolutions, funny, January, New Years, resolutions, sarcasm