Five easy ways to break up with your significant other before Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is a drag when you’re in love. Romantic dinners, sweet nothings and a whole lot of hand holding block out your schedule. Reclaim your free time in five easy ways and let your significant other know you’d rather fester alone on OkCupid than spend another second with them this Valentine’s Day. Prepare for some emotional demolition.
- Fake your own death
Legally, you’re allowed only three replacement social security cards. So you’ve got a handful of chances to make this work. Fill an old Ford Pinto with scraps of your clothing. Douse it in gasoline, light that sucker up and push it into the closest ravine you can find. Starting a new life in Chechnya is a small price to pay when the alternative is footing the bill for an expensive meal on Valentine’s Day.
- Listen to more U2
Look, we all sort of like U2, and that’s fine. “War, The Joshua Tree” – those albums were pretty OK. Coincidentally, it really doesn’t take that much U2-listening to drive away someone who loves you. Play U2 in your living room, the car, very quietly while you both sleep and especially in public, blasting out of some sort of large boombox. We give it three days tops before your partner either leaves you or checks into a psych ward. Either way, they’re gone for good.
- Be honest
This might come as a shock, but you’ll be surprised to know how many meaningful and emotionally complex relationships you can ruin by just being yourself. Bring your significant other to a nature preserve, a four-star restaurant or a county dump and tell them how you really feel. Make sure to throw in an “it’s not me, it’s you” and you’ll be sure to send them packing.
- Become a nudist
Unabashed nudity may sound like an easy way to spice up your relationship, but you’ll soon find a birthday-suit-centric lifestyle to be not only inconvenient, but disgusting as well. Some things are better done naked, others not so much. How many times will your partner keep their cool while they watch your naked body strain to open a pickle jar? How many of your body hairs will your significant other passively watch float into their stir-fry before they lose it? Two? Three?
- Run for a political office
Upon announcing your candidacy, all of your most heinous transgressions will immediately be leaked onto the internet. Amidst a flurry of sex-tapes, fascist vitriol and tax evasion headlines, you’ll hardly notice when your significant other gut-punches you and changes their first and last names. Just add them to a list of hundreds who have done the same.