Note: You don’t actually need to have a grad party to get these perks
Remember in high school when everyone was having their graduation party? Some were at big banquet halls and some were in their family’s backyard. There were big party platters and sometimes, if you were lucky, you could sneak a Mike’s Hard or one of those fancy Seagram’s Wine Coolers past the adults (because you definitely were not of legal age yet).
Think about now. You are 21+, and you’d still have to sneak a fruity Seagram wine cooler past your grandma at your own grad party. No thanks. And you don’t want to deal with all of your relatives saying congratulations and talking your head off for hours while you don’t get to enjoy your own party.
You’re graduating from college, and you should be able to have all the perks of a grad party without having to deal with all of your stuffy relatives and the fake, unnecessary conversations. Like you just finished the hardest school years of your life, and you are going to go experience the real joys of adulthood soon. So, since you need some time to kick back and relax, take a vaca and not worry about a college grad party, here is a how-to list that will get you the big bucks without driving you insane enough to enroll in another semester.
First, did you get your cap and gown? Check that off your list and go get your best friend and a white wall or an aesthetically appealing background. Put on that cap and gown; don’t you look so cute! (Your mom is gonna love it!) Make sure you look fabulous as your best friend snaps a few pics of your “senior picture” in your cap and gown. Now pick the best one and go print that sucker off. To save money, you could use the last of your MSU E-tokens, you know, the ones that were supposed to be reserved for your final paper.
Second, the picture needs to go on Facebook because that’s where all your relatives spend their time nowadays. Don’t forget to tag your grandma, you know she’ll share that shit. Then you need to make sure your mom still has her address book (which is how she basically stalks your relatives at Christmas). Then go to the dollar store and pick up some cheap cards with nothing written on them. Get some wine and prepare yourself for a long evening ahead (but don’t sweat it because this is the only one that you truly have to worry about).
Third, start writing out those cards with some phrase like this: “Danny Hickenbottom is graduating from Michigan State University on May 6 at 10 a.m. with a Bachelor’s Degree in Bagpiping from the College of Music. If you would like to attend the ceremony, please RSVP by April 21. Thank you. Sincerely, Danny Hickenbottom.” Don’t forget to put the picture you just spent your last E-tokens on to print off. And then address that baby to the assigned relative and put a stamp on it. Take it to the nearest mailbox and wait.
Fourth, sit back and relax. Your relatives see that you are graduating and feel bad that they can’t make it to your graduation, so the money will start pouring in. Now you have enough money to go on that post-grad vacation with your besties. Or maybe you wanna be sensible and buy a vacuum or some shit. Either way, you got it made and you barely had to do a damn thing.
Congratulations! You are graduating and you got limitless money rolling in! Now go spend your money and time wisely, and preach through Facebook about your new European vacation that you’ve been saving up for “since the start of college.”
Veronica Finniss is a senior double majoring in professional writing and history. She enjoys binge reading and suffocating under mounds of homework. When she isn’t dying, she loves petting dogs on the street and eating sandwiches, burgers and carbs.