Keeping Your Gut Warm and Your Wallet Fat

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A totally practical five step plan to keep your house warm this winter

Do you feel a deep, encompassing coldness emanating from your solar plexus, leaving you numb, blurring your days into a grey-washed month? Do you sit in a state of panic beside your thermostat, knowing you could end it all with a (very expensive) turn of a dial? Of course you do, it’s winter in Michigan!

Here at ing we’ve got a totally practical five-step plan to keep your house warm this winter without selling your soul to those fat cats at Consumers Energy! With this plan you can heat your house to the humidity specifications of a Roman bath, all for the low price of free!

The first step involves creating a small, controlled fire in your house. Now, the key word here is controlled. Find a room or corner in your house that you don’t particularly like or use. Stack up several phone books and lightly drizzle them with about a quarter cup of lighter fluid or high proof alcohol. Remember, keep the flames low and controlled. Building your pyre on a wood floor as opposed to a shag carpeting will guarantee a manageable flame.

Time for step two: exhale harder. This will be easy. By this time, step one, an open flame in a rented house, has probably sufficiently stressed you out to the point of hyperventilation. All your extra hot breath will warm your home and fog up your windows.  This will prevent your neighbors from calling the fire department and ruining your perfectly good wintertime racket, while simultaneously providing the opportunity for condensation window art.

Next, we suggest that you jump on the geothermal heating bandwagon. Procure a large to extra-large sized gasoline powered auger and begin boring a hole through your basement and into the earth’s crust. While it’s running, lean the auger against a pile of trash in your basement and let it do the work for you. This will give you a chance to start step four.

Go to your local thrift store and pick up about a baker’s dozen hairdryers. Assuming you’re already stealing most of your electricity from a neighbor, plug all 13 of these bad boys in and crank them up to high. Drape them around your house for an even and elegant heat solution.

But don’t forget about that auger (of course with its earsplitting mechanical whine, how could you?). In the time it’s taken you to set up your hairdryer jungle, you’ll probably find that your auger has drilled into the upper regions of the earth’s mantle. You’ll feel a toasty four to five degree increase rocketing out of your new geothermal sinkhole. As for the auger, don’t worry, it’s almost definitely been melted into oblivion somewhere deep within the earth’s crust.

Lastly, start a hand-rubbing circle. Get all your friends to come over and rub their hands in and around your house, creating the most prehistoric and sensual form of heat: friction. Make sure to take shifts so nobody rubs off their fingerprints. Also, you’ll need the extra sets of eyes to keep your controlled fire, hair dryers and heat pit running smoothly.

There you go! Five easy and practical ways to keep your thermostat off and your gut warm this winter. We hope you’ll try this out for yourself and let us know how it went, because frankly, we’re way too scared to try any of this.

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