“I remember the horror like it was yesterday,” Carol whispered as tears welled up in her eyes. “I had unbuttoned my pants just to make a little more room for my third helping of pumpkin pie. After dinner when I attempted to re-button them…”
Traumatized by her experience, Carol collapsed into tears and was unable to express her terrible experience — she later calmed down and confessed she could not re-button her pants.
Though tragic, Carol’s story is far from unique. Every year, 83 percent of people struggle to re-button their pants after Thanksgiving dinner. What begins as an innocent attempt to create some extra space for turkey so often ends as a life-altering, terrifying experience. There is no greater fear than standing up in front of unfamiliar family members with unbuttoned pants — and, of course, the danger that you will never be able to button your pants again.
For Dave, local sweet potato casserole enthusiast, the inability to re-button his pants has left him scarred. “I just wanted to be more comfortable at my waist,” he cried. “I was wearing my absolute favorite pair of jeans that make my ass look amazing, but they have to be buttoned for full effect. I stretched and squeezed, but that damn sweet potato casserole betrayed me and I just couldn’t re-button the jeans. So this year? I have to wear sweatpants. SWEATPANTS.”
Lost in a wave of intense emotion, Dave was unable to finish this interview.
The most disheartening case of the Thanksgiving button woes, however, happened to poor Amber back in 1991. Although she is often in hiding because of this incident, I was able to track her down for a rare interview.
“I cannot wear pants anymore,” Amber said, her lip trembling with rage. “I wore a belt to Thanksgiving dinner for goodness’ sake. What was I thinking?! I undid both the belt and the button to make myself a bit more comfortable before dessert. After my second slice of pie, I went to fix myself and I found that no matter how hard I tried, that belt would not re-buckle.”
Amber’s experience has left her so angry at pants for being so hard to re-button after Thanksgiving, that to this day she refuses to wear pants of any kind. While this is an extreme case, it serves as a warning to those who unbutton their pants for Thanksgiving dinner. Remember these cautionary tales of the terror and tragedy of Thanksgiving when you consider that extra slice of pie.
Once that button comes undone…
it’s not fastening back together.
Emily Jenkins is a sophomore student majoring in professional writing and comparative cultures and politics and minoring in Spanish. She is a crossword puzzle enthusiast, a soup lover and she adores gorillas.